Self Actualization...

I was just reading a few articles on The Economist. I read the new stuff on the web version about every day, and I came across this kind of random article on Maslow and the Hierarchy of Need. In it Maslow is quoted as saying, "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy. What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualisation."

I started thinking that maybe the reason I find life so unsatisfying is a deficit of self-actualization. I guess its not a new idea. I've been a fan of the Hierarchy for a while, but this bit is new I think. I don't see myself as anything, so there can be no actualization.

I went through this weird period for a few years when I was younger where I became a few things:

• I was a writer, and I wrote. I wrote a few short stories I liked, several journals I thought were full of meaningful stuff, and finally a book. People read what I wrote and I got reactions; mostly good. I felt like my writing made me significant.
• I was a friend, and (there's no verb for this; maybe friended?)... Anyway, I was the confidant of a lot of people, and I felt like my friendship served them good stead. I felt like I made their lives better.
• I was a boyfriend, and I loved. For better or worse (probably usually worse) I loved. My relationship made me feel worthy (for a while).

Anyway, I don't really have any of these anymore and for whatever reason I haven't developed any new roles for myself. In a wierd way, most of the time I don't feel like any of these roles would mean anything anyway.

I read this short story by Jose Donoso yesterday called Paseo. It's told from the point of view of a child remembering childhood at home with a father, two uncles and a spinster aunt. They lead this painstakingly carful life together, the intent of which is never to inconvenience each other. The narrator says at one point that that was the concept of love he inherited, that it was never to incovenience another. I'd never seen that sentiment on paper, and I was struck first by how wrong it was, (although the story never gives any resolution on the subject) and second, how I feel that way myself. Probably my biggest ambition in relationships with the people I love is never to inconvenience them.

I guess this has been what I've gone with recently. Oh well, it made sense in my head for a minute.