Well, it's Monday afternoon and I'm kind of going out of my head. Rough weekend. I didn't do anything at all. I may as well have been in a coma. I've been thinking more and more about the divisions of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I took an abbreviated version of the test on humanmetrics.com. I came out as a very strong introvert (79%), intuitive (38%), thinking (25%), and judging (33%). A lot of people think this test is great, and others think of it as kin to fortune cookies. At the very least I find it interesting.
I've seen a large shift in my personality since high school. I think I would have scored much stronger as an intuitive then, that I would have landed more on the feeling rather than the thinking side of the spectrum, and that I would have scored far stronger as intuitive than as judging. Maybe these are my ideals. I don't know for sure. But I believe I was far happier with who I was then than I am now.
It's frustrating, because I've spent the last ten years trying to be that guy again, but I can't. My values have changed, whether I've willed them to or not. For example, when I was a kid I was fascinated by the whole hippie ethos. I really liked the culture and the mood, (although I never did any drugs or anything), but this last Thursday I went with some friends to a free concert of The Yonder Mountain String Band and Keller Williams. I was floored by the behavior of all of the hippies there. They were utterly horrible. Granted they weren't the hippies I had in my head, but even the culture pissed me off. I felt like they were all just a little too cool to be real. It's the same vibe that makes me absolutely hate New York City. I'd as soon punch them in the nose as go to a drum circle with them (or a Starbucks, not to short change those atrocious East Villagers).
It's like this old Calvin Kline sport coat I have. Sometimes I wear it, even though it doesn't really fit, because it reminds me of who I was. It's a relic of better days. When I put it on I can still get the aftertaste of that younger me, and feel a little bit of how I felt then. But if I really looked in the mirror I would see that I've entered the beefy years, that it stretches too much, and that it's beginning to look a little shabby. I can't wear that coat much anymore, and as time continues to go by the memories will become memories of memories, and so on, until they mean nothing at all.
Maybe I'd be happy to become who I'm becoming if I felt like there was a chance that I'd feel as good about myself as I did then, but I don't see that happening unless somehow my ideals changed as much as my values have. But I still want to be that kid. He seemed like a better person.
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2 comments:
Maybe it is because we've finally hit the ten-year mark, but I've had similar thoughts lately. High school has finally achieved "good old days" status. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I think it happens to everyone.
For what it's worth, I like you now and then. And I'm pretty sure I'll still like you in 10 years. I don't think people really change much over time. Different attributes get highlighted during various phases, but you are the same honest, thoughtful, authentic, creative person you were ten years ago.
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