Just Another Manic UEA...

Last weekend was UEA and I think I went a little manic. I did a whole lot of stuff, and bought a whole lot of stuff, and in the end, although I did a whole lot of stuff and bought a whole lot of stuff I really didn't do or buy much of anything. I didn't spend more than about a hundred and fifty bucks, and I hardly left my apartment. In any case, it wasn't a really great weekend.

I think the one thing that I am pleased about that did come from it was that I finally bought a road bike. It's a late '70's to early '80's Bianchi Sport SS steel frame with suntour components. I've been looking for a bike since the beginning of the summer, starting with new bikes, being blown away by the prices, scanning craigslist and KSL Classifieds hourly and finding nothing, resigning myself to spending a thousand bucks on a new Surly bike, then going back to the classifieds. I figured out from calling immediately when I saw something I liked that bikes were going in the first fifteen minutes they went up all summer. But last weekend I was the first caller.

I went out and looked at the bike, and the girl seemed to have misrepresented its condition in the ad. I couldn't even take it for a test ride because tires were flat and the chain was off the rear derailleur and rusted. Also, the back tire was so out of true that I thought it might have been in an accident and bent. It looked pretty rough, and I was frankly a little miffed that the girl didn't tell me this before I spent $10 in gas to drive out to Murry for a test ride.

She advertised it at $100 dollars, but I told her that I didn't know if I could resurrect the drivetrain. She said to make an offer so I said $70, then she countered to $80. After thinking a moment and realizing that even if I did have to put a new drivetrain I probably wouldn't find a deal this good again for another year, so I took it. Then she wouldn't take a check, which pissed me off more. But I went and found a branch of my credit union and came back and bought it.

As the day went on and I made a few stops on the way back home I kept looking at it and feeling better and better about my purchase. The cloth bar tape was moth eaten, the cassette and chain were rusty, the decals were peeling, and the gum sidewalls on the tires were dried out, but the bike had been stored in a storage unit from what looked like soon after it was bought. Then, when I got it home and looked more closely I saw something that made me feel like I hadn't gotten such a deal after all.

On the top of the topbar partially obscured by the rear brake cable was a pretty significantly sized dent. That really brought me back down. I wasn't sure then if the bike was worth anything at all. The plan all along had been to salvage what I could of the components, but losses were ok because the frame looked to be in such good shape.

But researching on the web I found that dents in steel frames don't seem to be such a big deal as in aluminum frames or more significantly carbon. Actually I guess carbon just cracks, but anyway, I think it will be ok.

Anyway, I spent most of last evening and this morning working on it, then I rode up City Creek Canyon then up the east road to A St. It was really beautiful with the leaves in the elevation of the valley changing, and the bike rode fairly nicely. I got home and made some minor adjustments and it was even better. I'm planning some fairly significant changes for it, but all in all I'm pretty happy with it. I feel like I got a deal again, and I like the bike.

Self Actualization...

I was just reading a few articles on The Economist. I read the new stuff on the web version about every day, and I came across this kind of random article on Maslow and the Hierarchy of Need. In it Maslow is quoted as saying, "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy. What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualisation."

I started thinking that maybe the reason I find life so unsatisfying is a deficit of self-actualization. I guess its not a new idea. I've been a fan of the Hierarchy for a while, but this bit is new I think. I don't see myself as anything, so there can be no actualization.

I went through this weird period for a few years when I was younger where I became a few things:

• I was a writer, and I wrote. I wrote a few short stories I liked, several journals I thought were full of meaningful stuff, and finally a book. People read what I wrote and I got reactions; mostly good. I felt like my writing made me significant.
• I was a friend, and (there's no verb for this; maybe friended?)... Anyway, I was the confidant of a lot of people, and I felt like my friendship served them good stead. I felt like I made their lives better.
• I was a boyfriend, and I loved. For better or worse (probably usually worse) I loved. My relationship made me feel worthy (for a while).

Anyway, I don't really have any of these anymore and for whatever reason I haven't developed any new roles for myself. In a wierd way, most of the time I don't feel like any of these roles would mean anything anyway.

I read this short story by Jose Donoso yesterday called Paseo. It's told from the point of view of a child remembering childhood at home with a father, two uncles and a spinster aunt. They lead this painstakingly carful life together, the intent of which is never to inconvenience each other. The narrator says at one point that that was the concept of love he inherited, that it was never to incovenience another. I'd never seen that sentiment on paper, and I was struck first by how wrong it was, (although the story never gives any resolution on the subject) and second, how I feel that way myself. Probably my biggest ambition in relationships with the people I love is never to inconvenience them.

I guess this has been what I've gone with recently. Oh well, it made sense in my head for a minute.